Damn baby! You still look’in mighty fine!  I never knew that you were so talented!  Not only does your industry make a killer profit (both literally and figuratively), but you are insanely addictive too.  I sure know that I felt your love.  But I also know that since I broke up with you, my immune system got stronger, my joint pain went down by half, my anxiety levels plummeted and my concentration got better.  I know that we’ve had our good times and you will always be my first love (hell, we got together when I was just a toddler) but I think its time for us to both move on.  It’s not you, its me.  Lets face it, when I’m with you, my LDL, triglycerides, tooth decay, ulcerative colitis and adrenalin all go up (not to mention my weight).  The only things that seem to go down are my vitamin E, libido, tissue elasticity, my IQ and my eyesight.  I know that they say that love is blind, but I didn’t realize that I’d feel so old before my time with you.  And when I thought that it couldn’t get any worse, I found out that you’d been stealing my copper (which will help me fight off anemia and arthritis), chromium (which keeps my blood sugar stable so I don’t become diabetic) and magnesium (which helps my muscles relax and keeps my heart healthy).

Lets face it, all loving relationships are based on trust and you had only given me doubts.  In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you deliberately had it in for me as not only were you stealing from me, but you were also profiting from it.  After all the tax breaks that my friends and I gave you (like setting up your industry’s offices in the Caymans), all the business opportunities we gave you (like when we introduced you to the food processing industry so that you could be everywhere), and all the people we got to slave away working for you for next to nothing (like all of the children in Haiti who harvest you with scant pay).

The part of you which initially turned me on was your fructose.  Then after it consumed my cellular ATP (cell energy molecules) and caused lots of my cells to die, I realized what a vampire you actually are.  Those dying cell’s DNA and RNA then began breaking down into purines, then uric acid, which is why you gave me gout.  Talk about a bad date!

When I first got to know you, you were so sweet.  I guess infatuation truly is deception.  But I’m happy to say that I am so over you.  I feel better, look better and have been taking care of myself.  Don’t bother asking if we can still be friends as, to be honest, I’m better off without you in my life.

Yours no more,

Dr. Audette

Be Well.

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